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| i'll think o one later |
| 05.28.04 (9:44 am) [edit] |
I decided not go camping. In my genius I for saw the terror of sitting i9n a camper w/ my mom and her boy friend, listing to him try and get under my skin that thankfully he has yet to figure out how. It's kind of funny though cause with my brother he know what to say and when . I'd have sympathy but he knows how to do it to me and uses thet knowledge relentlessly. SO FUCK HIM HAHAHAHA.
Any ways, this weekd end is going be kinda fun cause ain’t gots to work, I aint’s got no home work, and ain’ts got my mom to bother me all week end.
FOLK LIFE fest, YAY I’m proibly going to spend most my sat there. I’d go Monday but it’s ryan and steffs day and I know if I saw th I’d hang out with them and become the third wheel, which is cool.
I hope I get to see kait this week end
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| school... mule |
| 05.27.04 (7:26 am) [edit] |
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This is the first time I think I’ve blog’d, when I have been in a decentalty good mood. It’s weird at school all my problems at home seem to be a faint noise in the back ground and I’m entwined with the days activates. it’s going to be weird being so close to home during the summer when I work for the city. The people here are awesome though I gonna miss them o well I’ll be back next year.
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| disspare |
| 05.13.04 (7:52 pm) [edit] |
I can feel it building… the a cloud in the distance on a sunny day . You hear the thunder and know the rain is soon to follow..
Staring down the barrel of the methodical gun. The explosion that rips out the back of my skull…
I awake in my darkened room and realize I’ve been awake all night thinking. Why can’t I make her happy. My moth feels as if I have been crewing on the inside of my many pillows. So I drag my self off the floor and get a glass of water. I viscously gulp it down. And feel almost glutinous. I left the lights off cause it hurts to much to turn them on. I open the fridge even though I’m far from hungry, as if their would be something new in their that wasn’t there a couple hours ago. The light hits me like a hammer. I slam it shut as if it was a anti-snack device… if it was it worked well. I stumble back to bed and lay back down. The nights are still cold and I leave my window open so that my room fill with the cold like a gas chamber slowly creeping, silently it engulfs my lungs and the warmth of my covers become a womb for me to sleep my worries away and be reborn again in the morning.
I wake half dazed, scratching at any possible reason to stay in bed. I argue with my self, knowing the out come quite well but can’t face the truth. As if it hasn’t been the same every day for the past seven some years of my life. It was easy when your mom would walk in and turn on the lights. Might as well throw a shoe at you, but that was only for mornings I would fall back asleep oblivious to the bright blinding light. But my reasoning soon runs out and gravity kicks into gear the world starts turning and I’m thrown out my front door, indisputably to do this dance once again.
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| the good, the bad and the ugly |
| 05.08.04 (6:42 pm) [edit] |
It’s final the world is trying to push me over the edge… I’ll start off with the good news.
1. After watching kait in the benroia hall we hung out a lil today for the first time. She had to interview my grandma for school but it was just a scapegoat excuse for me to see her. Not sure it that works both ways. Every time I see her I fall even more in love. I hope this “break ends soon so I can hold her in my arms and not never to let go.
2. I’m going to be on the news! My mom got her finial interview for her surgery with nbc. So some time in the next month. So yay.
Bad news
1. Bad news… New lil 16 year old cuzin is in rehab for drugs. Oh my god!!!! I figured she did a lil stuff but not meth and E and shit. I love her to death I would die for her she’s like my lil sister and this shit happens. I should of told her about the down falls I should of showed her how much I was against it. I thought I did. I guess not. She wants me to write her so after this I am going to. You don’t even understand how much this hurts…
2.I visited Jordan’s grave today. I needed to I was killing me I hadn’t done it yet. I miss him so much. Every day I regret not calling him to go to a movie or something… anything… Fuck.
P.S ross and rachel got back together!
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| twilight |
| 05.07.04 (11:02 pm) [edit] |
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I hadn't seen her in over a months time. Now i get to admire her from afar. As they single file walked out the door i was filled with a sort of antistpation ihadn't felt in a long time. I saw her face, My heart started beating fast. SHe jsut as buitiful as I left her. She began to sing and i couldn't stop staring at her. I'm jellous of the floor she stands on, the air she breaths, the song that filled her lungs and was exhaliled into the vast harmounis song. after the lights faded i debated to see her and congratulater her, hoping for a huge hug filled with a sence of belonging. ut no i though tit would be just a selfish antidout to my pain. so i sliped out the front hoping in the back of my mind she would spot me... i never saw her... i miss her so.
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